The Expanded Ultimate Story Checklist: Are there minimal commas in the dialogue?

To be far more concise and have more personality at the same time, cut out everything before or after your commas. 

The fact is, almost all dialogue with commas sounds weaselly. Characters shouldn’t preface things; they should just say them. So when characters answer questions, cut out every “yes” and “no.” Compare these exchanges:

• “Are you going to the picnic?” 
• “No, I’m going to the bar.” 

• “Are you going to the picnic?” 
• “I’m going to the bar.” 

• “Do you love me?” 
• “No, but I need you.” 

• “Do you love me?” 
• “I need you.

• “Did you hear the news?” 
• “Yes, I’m so sorry.”

• “Did you hear the news?” 
• “I’m so sorry.” 

• “Are you visiting Iowa?” 
• “Yes, we need the rural vote.” 

• “Are you visiting Iowa?” 
• “We need the rural vote.” 

Just lop off anything before a comma. I’ve gotten pretty good at this, but I still overuse “Well, I …” and “Look, I …” These are “change gear” words that allow characters to deflect or transition the conversation in the direction they want it to go, but you don’t need them. Just let the character shift on the fly, even if it results in a little grinding of the gears.

For each of these, you may be thinking, But then things might not be clear! Good! Life isn’t clear. Your goal should be to write dialogue with maximum personality and the minimum amount of clarity that you can get away with. The audience doesn’t want you to hold their hand. They’d rather catch up. They want you to play hard to get so they can have the thrill of the chase.

The 40 Year Old Virgin	YES.
Alien	YES.
An Education	Somewhat. It’s a very formal time, and the conversations are somewhat formal.
The Babadook	YES.
Blazing Saddles	YES.
Blue Velvet	NO. Not really.  The language is oddly formal.
The Bourne Identity	YES.
Bridesmaids	YES.
Casablanca	YES.
Chinatown	YES.
Donnie Brasco	YES.
Do the Right Thing	YES.
The Farewell	YES.
The Fighter	YES.
Frozen	YES.
The Fugitive	YES.
Get Out	YES.
Groundhog Day	YES. Sure.
How to Train Your Dragon	YES.
In a Lonely Place	NO. There are a fair number of commas.  It’s a fairly writer-ly screenplay, which makes sense.
Iron Man	YES.
Lady Bird	YES.
Raising Arizona	YES.
Rushmore	NO. Max talks like a professor, but it’s supposed to be odd, so that’s okay.
Selma	NO. There’s lots of “Well, Mr. President,” in the political meeting.  There’s less in the movement meetings but they have to do it to a certain extent so we know who the historical figures are. (“John, James, the way our organization works…)
The Shining	YES.
Sideways	YES.
The Silence of the Lambs	Somewhat. Our main pair speaks rather formally. There’s lots of “Clarice” and “Dr. Lecter.”
Star Wars	YES.
Sunset Boulevard	Mostly.  It’s a little writerly, despite being so slangy.